


First Day of My Life

by ailaikannu



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, Clexa Endgame, F/F, Lexa has a shitty past, They will eventually be sent to Earth, ark, polaris au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:56:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7397659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Polaris AU nobody asked for. <br/>Clarke is living the privileged life on Alpha Station, while Lexa is living the common life on Polaris. They see each other every now and then, but never speak to each other. One night, Lexa finds Clarke alone and talks to her, starting something that will change her life forever. <br/>Set on the Ark, but they will eventually be sent to Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Think I Was Blind Before I Met You

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think about this ! There will be other characters in further chapters, just wait for them.

You see her stealing glances at you. You know she’s from the thirteenth station, Polaris. You know that Alpha Station, where you come from, as some sort of rivalry with Polaris. You’re pretty sure she’s a few years older than you. You don’t know her name, you don’t know who her parents are, you don’t know what she likes.

You can’t stop looking at her when nobody’s looking at you. You saw her that night at prom, you’d recognize those eyes anywhere, even if half of her face was covered by a black mask. You’re pretty sure you saw her with that scary girl from Polaris. You want to ask your mother if she’s ever seen her in medical, or if she knows who are parents are, but you know she’s always busy and tired.

Then one day you’re looking at the Earth, it’s late at night, you’re not supposed to be out.

“Hey.”

A voice you’ve never heard before says. You’re scared, if they find you out here, they’ll punish you. You surely don’t want to end up in the Sky Box for stargazing. You slowly turn around and sigh in relief when you find yourself staring at those forest green eyes you love so much already.

“I thought you were a guard, you scared me.”

“I’m sorry, Clarke.”

They way she pronounces your name, how her tongue clicks on the r, makes you shiver. How does she know your name ? You look at her with a confused frown on your face.

“It’s okay. Guess you might want to tell me your name to make up for the scare.” Your voice sounds weird, you can’t recognize yourself in the word you’ve just said.

“I’m Lexa.”

Lexa. It’s a name you’ve never heard before, but it now sounds like music. It sounds better than anything you’ve ever heard.

“Nice to meet you, Lexa.” You smile at her and she smiles back, shaking your hand vigorously. “Do you come to this giant window often ?”

“Actually, it’s the first time I’ve been here. We have one right next to our station, which is where I go most of the time at night. I love looking at the stars. I don’t really know why I thought of coming here tonight, maybe this time I got lucky.” She smirks at you, and you can feel your heart flutter in your chest. She’s gorgeous, like breath taking gorgeous. Her eyes remind you of all the plants you study in Earth Skills, her hair is intricately braided, her smile might give you a heart attack. And her voice, oh… Her voice. You love her voice.

“Maybe I got lucky as well.” You whisper. She looks at you for a second before you notice a guard running towards you and her eyes shot up in alert.

“We gotta go.” She says and you both start running towards your different stations. You know the guard knows who you are, but you hope being your mother’s daughter will help you this time as well. It’s not the first time they see you out after your curfew.

You open the door to your place and find your parents arguing in the living room. You’re not sure if they know that you weren’t there or if they’re hoping you won’t hear them, so you try to be as silent as possible as you lock the door behind your back. You hate it when they argue, so you walk to your bedroom and try to sleep, but Lexa is keeping your mind occupied. You close your eyes and think about that smile of hers, hoping she’ll talk to you when she sees you. Maybe she won’t since you’re one of the privileged kids, maybe she’ll pretend like she doesn’t know you, like everybody else does. She did know your name, though.

When you wake up the next morning, you have breakfast with your parents in silence, then take a shower and go take a walk outside. You need to see Wells, you need to talk to him. You walk to his place, a sketch book in hand, a pencil tucked in your ear. He’s waiting for you outside the front door, as he does every Sunday morning.

“Hey, Clarke.”

“Wells, hi. I already told you there’s no need for you to wait for me here.”

“You know I always will, let’s go inside.”

You follow him inside, you sit on the couch and he offers you the usual glass of soda. You start drawing while he reads his book. You feel uneasy, uncomfortable.

“So, I met the Polaris girl last night.” You say, Wells closes his book.

“What do you mean you met the Polaris girl ? You’ve been staring at her for like five years now.”

“I have not !” You smack him on the ribs, he laughs loudly. “Anyways, she came to my window last night.”

“So, she’s a rebel like yourself.”

You roll your eyes, Wells smiles widely at you.

“Her name’s Lexa. We didn’t get to talk much, because a guard saw us. Let’s see if she’s going to behave like everybody else does since we’re privileged. Why the fuck do they hate us for that ?”

“You know why.”

When you go see the flowers at Farm Station that afternoon, you find Lexa with that scary girl from her station. You don’t know if you should say hi or pretend like you don’t see her, you surely don’t want to embarrass her. Then she spots you and she grins widely at you, motioning for you to join her and scary girl. You walk towards them, shaking a bit.

“Hello, Clarke.” She says and you can’t believe how much you missed her voice.

“Hey, Lexa.”

“This is a friend of mine, Anya.”

Anya, the scary girl, looks at you. You feel like her gaze could cut your throat if she stared at you long enough.

“Nice to meet you.” You say, your voice shaky.

“Same here.” Anya simply states and you feel relieved for a second. You stay there with them until Anya excuses herself, she leaves you two alone because she needs to attend some kind of business. Lexa looks at her for a full minute, then her attention is back on you. You talk a lot, about your lives, about your ambitions.

You find out she loves flowers, and books. She says she always carries a small notebook because she writes and you show her the sketchbook you never leave behind. She smiles warmly at you. She says she’s turning eighteen in a few months, which makes her two years older than you. You’re talking peacefully when a guy starts shouting at you.

“Yo, Griffin ! What are you doing here among us common people ? You got tired of your fancy apartment back in Alpha ?”

You roll your eyes. You know the guy, Jasper Jordan. His friend, Monty, is tugging at his shirt, telling him to stop. Lexa looks like she’s about to jump him and break his neck, but you remain silent.

“Oh, come on. Where’s your prince at ?”

You breathe hard, feeling Lexa practically vibrating with rage beside you. She grunts and then walks towards Jasper.

She grabs him by the collar of his shirt and lifts him slightly from the ground. “Let’s play a game.” She hisses. “You keep bugging her and I’ll hit you so hard you’ll be spitting out teeth for a week.”

Jasper gasps and nods slightly. “I’ll leave her alone.”

She walks back to you, and you thank her, kissing her on the cheek. She gets flustered, and turns red. You laugh at her and at her cuteness, which only makes her redder. When she's ready to leave, you grab her hand and walk towards your window. She holds your hand like she never wants to let go.

You silently hope she never will.


	2. Suddenly Everything Changed

You see her every day.

Turns out she is not ashamed of you, she enjoys when people ask her if you’re dating and you get all flustered and she says nothing. She smiles a lot when she’s with you and you feel your heart swell whenever she laughs. You try to avoid both Medical and Alpha Station, you don’t want your parents to know.

When she kisses you the first time, you feel like you could fly. It’s been about a month since that first night in front of the window and you’re there again when her lips meet yours the first time. She’s shaking slightly as she cups your cheek and you can almost feel her heart beating faster than usual the moment you kiss her back. It’s slow, much needed, passionate. You think about all those times you said there was no such thing as seeing fireworks when someone you like kisses you. You realize you were wrong.

She smiles at you when you pull away and laughs when you hug her tightly before leaving to go back home. Your mum is waiting for you, she keeps asking question you don’t feel like answering.

“I know you’re seeing someone.” She says.

You roll your eyes.

“I know you’ve been keeping it a secret. Why ?”

“I’m not keeping it a secret.” You say, your voice like a whisper. “I just want to keep it to myself.”

“Clarke, you’re sixteen. Talk to me.”

“Just know that I’m terribly happy, okay ?”

She sighs, but nods anyway. You go to bed with the biggest smile on your face, still feeling Lexa’s lips on your own. You can’t sleep, but it’s a feeling you’ve grown accustomed to since you’ve know her. You think it will eventually stop feeling this magical, but it never does.

When you surprise her on her eighteenth birthday, she cries, then kisses you. You made her a notebook with a few of your drawings as decoration, leaving most of the pages blank for her to write on it. She tells you she’s going to use it to document your relationship. She asks you to be her girlfriend then, and you nod your head through the tears.

You’re happy with her, she makes you feel things you never knew existed. When she asks you why you’re avoiding your station whenever you’re with her, you sigh loudly.

“My parents don’t know I’m bisexual. I can’t fathom how they still don’t know that I’m with you. My mother knows everyone.”

“I understand.” She says, but you know she’s upset. You know she wants to show you off now that you’re hers, but you don’t feel ready. You feel grateful when she nods solemnly, holding your hand even tighter than before.

When you really fight the first time, you feel like your world is collapsing. You’ve been together for about five months, and you’ve only had small, meaningless arguments. You yell at her and she disappears for days. You’re scared something might have happened to her, but you keep reminding yourself that you often go to medical because of your education, you would have seen her. You don’t sleep for two consecutive days, waiting for her to show up. You wish you could go to Polaris, but it’s locked, they don’t let people who are not from there in. They work on weird chemicals there, you know it’s hazardous for outside people. You never even see her scary friend, and you wonder if they disappeared together. You’re very scared when the third day passes by and there are still no signs of your girlfriend. 

You see her again on the fourth night. She’s sitting in front of the giant window, a small flower in her hand, the notebook you gave her on the floor next to her. You run towards her, finally feeling able to breathe again.

“I was so scared, I thought something bad had happened to you.”

She says nothing, but points her finger to the notebook. You pick it up, smiling at Lexa’s neat handwriting.

_I feel so stupid for running away. When you yelled at me and I saw how angry you were, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I still don’t know what it was, I think I was scared. Scared of losing you, scared of being alone again, scared of losing the only good thing in my life. I’m sorry I ran away, but I felt hopeless and I bolt when I get scared._

You sit in front of her, with both your hands on her cheeks. You stare at her for a few seconds.

“Don’t be scared, I’m not going anywhere.”

She kisses you softly, crying as you hold her close to your chest. “I love you.”

Her voice is like a whisper, but you hear her, and feel your heart stop. You start crying with her, holding her as tightly as you can. “I love you too.”

You hold her all night long, feeling her doze off on your chest, they find you like that the morning after and you know it means that your mother will know. When Lexa walks back to Polaris, you know you’ll have a few hours before your mother comes home.

You’re wrong.

When you unlock the front door, she’s waiting for you. Your father is not there, you figure she’s keeping it a secret.

“Please tell me it was a mistake.”

You look at her, a bit confused by her tone. “What ?”

“I was told that you were out again past your curfew. All night long. They found you this morning holding her, not in a friendly way, so don’t try to tell me she’s just a friend.”

“She’s not just a friend. She’s my girlfriend.”

“Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“I was… Scared ? I don’t know.”

“Well, I want you to know that I don’t care if she’s a girl. I really don’t. And I’m sure your father doesn’t care either.”

“You don’t ?”

“I most definitely don’t.”

You sigh in relief.

“The problem here is not that she’s a girl, Clarke.”

“If you’re going to tell me that I’m too young to date I really don’t care.”

“That’s not it. Do you know who that girl is, Clarke ?”

“I’ve been with her for five months, mum. I know who she is.”

“I meant as in do you know her family ? Do you know her surname ?”

You don’t know her surname. You’ve never bothered to ask. She knows yours, because everyone does. You shake your head, your mother looks at you with a sympathetic look.

“Her surname is Woods, Clarke. She’s the daughter of Charles Woods.”


	3. I Realized That I Need You

You know you’ve heard that surname in the past. Many people used to talk about Charles Woods, you remember him. You know he was a man from Polaris, a man who became famous because he reduced drastically the population of Polaris. The station was locked as always, there were no guards available, which sometimes happened because Polaris was a fairly calm station. There were eighty-three people inside Polaris when he released a killer gas. He was the only one wearing a mask. He was the only survivor, together with the people who were outside Polaris when it happened. The station had a total of one hundred and twenty inhabitants, thirty-seven survivors. The eighty-tree people were already dead when the main entrance of Polaris was opened by a young girl, she was around fifteen. Polaris people were the only ones to know the access code, she’d forgotten her notebook. You realize now that the young girl was Lexa, Charles’ daughter. She saw her father with the mask, looking at the corpses around him. He somehow managed to shove her outside, but the gas had already entered her system. She was rushed to medical, where your mother treated her. She was physically fine after a while, but her mother died with the gas her father had released. You remember her father was floated a few days later, they never let him see Lexa, not even before floating him. When she woke up, he was already gone. Your mother told you she became violent after being released from Medical, she said she became weird. Detached from the world, mostly silent, a loner.

“What you told me doesn’t sound like the Lexa I know.”

“Clarke, please be safe. She can be… Let’s say sometimes she can’t control herself. Has she ever been violent towards you ?”

You suddenly think about that second day you spent together, when she defended you from Jasper. You remember how threatening she had sounded and how scared Jasper looked. You remember he was shaking even before she started talking.

“No, never. She’s quite the opposite, to be honest. She cried the first time I yelled at her.”

“Probably because her father used to yell at her a lot.”

“Was he abusive ?”

“Only verbally towards her. We’re pretty sure he used to abuse her mother, though.”

“I need to see her.” 

“Are you sure you’re willing to go on with this ? I mean… She’s… Dangerous.”

“Of course I’m sure. She’s never hurt me.”

“Yet.”

“Mum. It happened three years ago, maybe she got over it.”

“You don’t get over your father killing more than half of the population of your station in three years, she’s scarred for life.”

“Still, she’s not dangerous.”

“You shouldn’t see her.”

“I love her, mum.”

Your mother sighs loudly and you know she’s trying to help, but you need to do this. You walk towards Polaris, hoping to find someone who could open the entrance for you. Of course you’re not that lucky and wait in front of Polaris for three hours before you see a young boy with blond hair running towards the entrance. You stop him and he looks at you with curious eyes.

“Do you think you could help me get in ?”

He smirks. “I’m not supposed to.”

“I promise I’m not a criminal, I’m here to see someone.”

“Who ?”

“Lexa, Lexa Woods.” You say and you know you’re pronouncing her surname weirdly. You don’t know why. The boy suddenly looks scared and you wonder if the Lexa you’ve been dating is the same Lexa people are talking about.

They boy says nothing, but unlocks the door for you, and then runs away. You don’t know where to go and you walk aimlessly around. You realize that Lexa is eighteen, so she might have her own place now, or she might have kept her parents’. You feel grateful when you realize that Polaris is structured like your station. The surname of the place’s owner is written outside on the door and the apartments are organized alphabetically. You walk till the far end of Polaris, noticing how many doors are blank, or with just a few letters. You realize those must have belonged to the people who died because of Charles Woods.

You finally get to the last doors and you find what you were looking for. There’s a white door, with red markings all over it. It reads WOODS in capital letters and apparently someone wrote “murderer” right below it.

You breath hard, why would people treat someone like that ? She didn’t do anything. You knock gently on the door, only to hear Lexa yell.

“Go the fuck away ! I’m not interested in your damn pranks and stop drawing on my damn door !”

You feel like you’re going to cry. “Lexa, it’s me. Clarke.”

You hear her getting up and mumbling something under her breath and suddenly the door swings open.

“Get inside, before they see you.”

You do as asked and walk inside. “What are you doing here ? Not that I don’t like seeing you, but I thought we had agreed on not going to each other’s station.”

“I know, my mum was informed of us this morning, I thought I’d come to tell you.”

You know you’re lying. You’ve come here to tell her that you know that her father murdered 83 people, but you don’t care.

“I see. What did she say ?”

“Nothing… Well, nothing about you being a girl.”

You feel like passing out when her gaze falls on you. The way she’s looking at you makes you shiver. “What is the problem, then ?”

“Uhm… Well… She told me your surname, that’s it.”

You notice she suddenly becomes pale and her eyes are watery.

“You…” She stops. “You didn’t know ?”

“I did not.”

“So you came here to tell me you don’t want to be with me. I understand. I really thought you accepted me. I thought you were the only one accepting me even after what my father did.”

“I came here to tell you that I don’t care.”

You walk towards her, but she looks scared. You stop on your tracks, waiting for her to say something.

“You’re not scared of me ?” She asks and your heart breaks.

“We’ve been together for five months. You’ve never even jokingly smacked me. You’ve never threatened me. Whenever we fight you never even raise your voice. You’ve been kind, loving and attentive towards me. I really don’t see why I should be scared.”

She looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.


	4. With These Things There's No Telling

You’ve heard your parents argue a lot the past few months and you’ve finally decided to hide and listen to what they’re saying to each other. At the beginning you thought it was about you being with Lexa, but they’ve known for more than three months now and they’re treating her like their own.

You’re crouched behind a dresser when your father comes in that night.

“I’m going to tell them, Abby. I’ve already recorded a video to inform them all.”

“They’re going to float you, Jake. Think of our family, think of Clarke ! She’s not even seventeen, dammit !”

“I’m thinking of her, that’s why I need to do this. The oxygen system is failing, we’re all going to die if we don’t find a way to fix it. I know Jaha is planning on reducing the population, we can’t let him do that.”

“It’s the only one to buy us some time.”

“I can’t believe what you just said. He’s going to murder all those people, Abby ! They should have a choice !”

“There’s no choice here, Jake.”

“I need to inform them, I need to.”

You run to your room and start crying by yourself. You need to help your father in any way you can. You walk downstairs when you hear your mother going to bed, and find your father sitting at the kitchen table.

“Dad.” You keep your voice low, not wanting your mother to hear you.

“Clarke, baby. What are you doing still up ?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“Are you okay ? How are things with Lexa ?”

“I’m okay dad, things are amazing with Lexa. I wanted to talk to you about the oxygen system failure.”

You notice your father turning a sick shade of white, then green. His eyes are wide with surprise.

“I heard you, so there’s no need to hide the truth from me.”

“I wasn’t planning on hiding the truth from you, baby. But I can’t talk to you about it, because if I do, they’ll link you to my plan and I can’t risk you being incarcerated.”

“I wanna help.”

“Stubborn like your mother, I see.” He smiles at you. “I’ll try to inform people, because we’re dying here. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, you need to go to bed.”

“I was planning on seeing Lexa before going to bed, I hope it’s not a problem.”

“The guards know you do that all the time and they don’t seem to care… Go see your girl, tell her I said hi.”

You walk away, you’re tired, but you need to talk to Lexa. You know she usually stays awake till two in the morning and slowly make your way towards Polaris. You know the code and easily get inside, then walk to Lexa’s door. You knock and she unlocks the door for you, not bothering to ask who it is.

The moment she sees you, she knows there’s something wrong. She looks concerned. You figure you’re a little green.

“What’s wrong, love ?”

You sit down on what appears to be your chair now. You’ve spent so much time here that it almost feels like home.

“You know I told you that my parents were always fighting about something ?”

She nods, you swallow hard.

“I decided to confront my father about it. Turns out the Ark’s oxygen system is failing.”

She stares at you, but says nothing. “Jaha is planning on reducing the population because it will give us more oxygen.” You realize as you're talking that they're likely going to start with Lexa's station. 

“Please tell me that you don’t plan on doing something stupid.” You're still surprised by how well she knows you, it almost makes you smile.

“I’m going to help my father tell the people.”

“Clarke.”

You look at her, she has tears in her eyes. You hold her close, let her cry on your shoulder.

“Love, please. This is dangerous, it might get you floated.”

“I won’t be eighteen for another year, they might even revise my case and release me once the year is over… Or we might all be dead if they don’t do shit to stop this.”

She sighs loudly, taking your hand. She squeezes it tightly, looking at you. You know she doesn’t want to let you go, because it might be the last time she sees you. If you and your father somehow get caught, and you know you will, you might never see Lexa again. It breaks your heart, but you need to do this for your people.

You’ve lived your life as one of the privileged ones, and you still feel the need to help everyone, because what Jaha is planning on doing is disgusting.

You kiss Lexa goodbye and she clings on you for dear life. She whispers to be careful, she tells you she loves you with all she has. You tell her you’ve never loved anyone the way you love her, that you’re sure she’s the love of your life.

“May we meet again.”

You leave Polaris and head towards Alpha Station. Your legs are wobbly, you feel like you might collapse at any second. You’re not sure how you made it, but you’re suddenly in your bed, staring at the ceiling above you.

You’re startled by a sudden loud banging on the door. You hear your father running downstairs and people yelling. You rush downstairs, only to see your mother crying and your father being cuffed.

“Jake Griffin, you’re under arrest for treason.”

You feel your heart stop in your chest, you are not breathing anymore. You think it can’t be happening, you haven’t done anything yet, how are they arresting him ? You find yourself yelling as they drag your father outside.

“I’ll tell them !”


	5. I Don't Know Where I Am

You notice how your mother seems awfully calm after they slam the door closed. You wonder what you should do, because you know your father will be floated. Your mother tells you to go back to bed, but you’re shaking too much to walk up the stairs. You stay there, hoping to be in a sick dream. You keep pinching yourself, thinking you might wake up and find your father in the kitchen making coffee.

You find yourself standing in front of an airlock a few days later. Your father is standing straight in front of you, his hands are on your shoulders. You’re crying, your mother is right beside you. Your father hugs you tightly. He seems calm. You understand he'd accepted his fate long before being arrested. You see Lexa running towards you, you feel safe.

“I love you, kiddo.” Your father whispers, before letting go. You cry harder as you watch him walk to the airlock.

“I love you !” You yell as they open the door for him. Your girlfriend holds you as you watch your father being sucked out in space, leaving you forever. You collapse in Lexa’s arms, crying your heart out.

“How did they know ?” You manage to ask after a while. Your voice is broken, as you keep staring at where once your father stood. Lexa looks at you, but says nothing. She keeps holding you, her arms shaking slightly as she tries to keep you safe. Suddenly you realize. You know the only person you talked to about your father’s plan was the green eyed girl who’s still holding you. You shove her away from you and look at her, fire in your eyes.

“Did you tell them ?”

You don’t miss how she glances at your mother, guilt all over her gaze. She nods her head, slowly but surely and you feel like vomiting. The guards are suddenly cuffing you as you watch her for one last time. You hear the guards yelling something about treason and incarceration, but you can’t peal your eyes off Lexa, who’s silently crying in front of you. You stare into those forest green eyes you’ve loved for the past months. Those eyes that made you feel like you were invincible, like you could do anything you wanted. Those eyes that made you feel loved like you’d never felt before. Those eyes that made you realize what beauty really was. Those eyes that made you shake with love anytime you felt lost in them. The eyes of the person you love the most, the person you trust the most, who just betrayed you.

“I love you.” She says, before you’re being dragged away.

“You bitch ! I’ll kill you !” You yell.

You’re taken up to the Sky Box, they tell you that you’ll be in solitary confinement. You wonder why, you’re not violent, nor dangerous. You figure it’s because you know the truth and they can’t risk you talking to other people. They know you promised your father you’d go through with his plan, being in solitary confinement makes it a bit harder than expected.

You’re thrown inside a cell, where you only see a bed. You sit on it, you’ve never stopped crying. After what feels like a month, a guard walks inside. He hands you a sketchbook, a box of charcoal and a watch. He mumbles something about privileged kids getting it even in prison and you examine the objects he gave you.

You know it’s your father’s watch. You’ve always loved it and you hold it like if you were holding him. The sketchbook is new, you open the first page and recognize Lexa’s handwriting as soon as your gaze falls on it.

_I’ll always be with you. I love you._

You’re boiling with rage. You can’t believe she betrayed you the way she did. You throw the sketchbook against the wall, you’re still crying. You don’t sleep that night. Your father is dead. Your girlfriend betrayed you.

Days pass by. You only get to see the guards who bring you food and those who take you shower every other day. You don’t know how long they’ll keep you in here. Maybe they’ll wait till you turn eighteen and then you’ll end up like your father. You’ll be eighteen in a year, you turned seventeen a few weeks before being incarcerated. You think maybe the oxygen system might fail before the year is over, killing every single person on the Ark. You’re sad about your father’s death. You’re still bitter about Lexa, and you can’t stop thinking about her. You feel like you’re doomed, because any time you close your eyes, you either see your father being sucked in outer space, or Lexa’s bright smile.

You’ve drawn all over the sketchbook when you decide taking over the cell’s walls is a good idea. Drawing keeps you busy. It makes you forget where you are, and why you’re there. You realize you’ve been drawing her. You curse yourself. You know you need to hate her. You still can’t.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it was Lexa.
> 
> Or wasn't it ?
> 
> It was Lexa.


	6. I Went Out In The Rain

You’ve been in the Sky Box for approximatively eleven months when two guards come storming in your cell, yelling at you to face the wall. They take away your father’s watch and replace it with a metal band and you yell back at them. You will be turning eighteen in a month, they can’t float you know. It’s illegal.

You are running away, you see that other delinquents are being escorted out of their cells. You don’t understand what’s happening, you believe they're reducing population, because the oxygen failure is getting worse. Then you bump into your mother.

“Mum ?” You’re confused, she hugs you tight.

“Clarke, they’re sending you to Earth.”

“They what ? No, Earth is not liveable, mum.”

“It’s happening, you get to go to Earth. Listen to me, Clarke. I won’t be coming down with you and I need you to know that it wasn’t Lexa who betrayed your father.”

“Mum, why are you saying that ? Why are you defending her ? It’s her fault if dad is dead. And I can't go to Earth ! We're all going to die there !”

“I’m not defending her, she didn’t do anything. She was trying to protect me.”

“Protect you ? How so ?”

“It was me who told Jaha about your father’s plan. I thought he’d talk to him. I thought he was our friend.”

You don't believe her. Or rather, you don't want to. It can't be happening. Your mother wouldn't do such thing. Then you think about all those sleepless nights in the Sky Box where you kept telling yourself that Lexa wouldn't either.

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth. I was with her when they arrested you and told her it was a stupid thing to do. She said she knew what it was like to lose two parents and that she didn’t want you to go through the same thing.”

You start crying. You feel like you’ve spent almost a year trying to hate someone who was only trying to protect you from hurting more than you had to. You realize now that you were trying to hate the wrong person. You feel like you might pass out. Your mother is the reason why your father died and you were in solitary confinement for a year. You look at her, rage boiling inside you. You get hit by something, she catches you in her arms.

“May we meet again.” She whispers.

You don’t hear her.

When you open your eyes, you’re strapped to a seat and there are other people sitting next to you. You realize soon that you’re in a dropship, you are going to Earth. You glance around, you don’t recognize these people. They all look young, some even younger than you. You see Jasper Jordan and his friend Monty Green. They’re talking to each other, laughing. You’re reaching Earth, but you realize something’s wrong. You’re going too fast, you’re going to crash.

You close your eyes, wish you’d had time to tell Lexa you were sorry for trying to hate her for so long. You wish you could tell her so many things, things that will be left unsaid. You realize she’s still in the Ark, she’ll die with the rest of them. The oxygen system will fail and Lexa, your Lexa, will suffocate with all the others. You’ll die soon, but your mind is still obsessing over Lexa’s wellbeing. You know you won’t get to see her ever again, it breaks your heart.

Suddenly the noises around you stop. The dropship’s engine stops humming. You’re pretty sure you’ve landed on Earth. People start getting up and running on the lower level, where the entrance is located. You try to stop a boy who wants to open the door, saying the air might be toxic.

“If the air is toxic, we die anyways.” He says.

Then a girl comes out of nowhere calling the boy. You learn his name is Bellamy. They hug, you hear people murmuring something about the girl being Octavia Blake, the girl who was hidden under the floor. They’re the only couple of siblings on the Ark, since it’s not allowed to have more than a child.

Bellamy opens the door, Octavia is the first one to walk on the ground. You all follow her pretty quickly. You breathe in, the sun is burning your eyes, you don’t care.

“Clarke !”

A voice that has startled you only once before this day calls behind you. A voice you got used to hearing every day. You think you might be hallucinating, she can’t be here. A hand on the shoulder makes you realize you’re not hallucinating, you’d recognize those hands anywhere. You turn around quickly and you’re met with teary forest green eyes.

“Lexa ?” You’re confused, but hold her tightly the moment she throws her arms at your neck. She starts shaking a bit, and you can’t help but cry with her. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

She smiles weakly at you and holds your face with both hands before you kiss her slowly, tenderly on the lips. You hear people whistling around you and wonder why they’re looking at you when you just got to Earth. 

You decide to ignore them. Lexa matters more than anything else. You realize you care more about seeing her, than seeing Earth for the first time.

“I love you.” She whispers.

“I love you too.” You can’t believe you’re able to say it again. “My mother told me what you did.”

She grins at you. “Yeah, I figured when you kissed me.”

“I’m sorry for calling you a bitch.”

“Don’t be sorry, I understood why you were saying it. It’s okay.”

You kiss her again, you’re not willing to let her go.

“So, it’s true.” You hear a familiar voice hissing. “We have privileged princess, murderer bitch, under the floor child and spacewalker in our group. That’s just fantastic.”

You roll your eyes, but ignore Jasper. You just got Lexa back, you’re on Earth, you survived the landing and the air seems to be breathable. You won’t let Jasper ruin this moment for you. There’s someone who’s not willing to let his comment go, though. You turn around just in time to see Octavia launching towards goggles boy and you see her brother trying to stop her, but it’s too late. Octavia has pinned Jasper down and she’s punching him right on the face.

Bellamy eventually manages to stop his sister, and you let out a relieved sigh.

 


	7. I Wondered If I Could Come Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY.  
> I know this is super late, but my mind wouldn't let me write this chapter (and that's one of the reasons why it's so short). I guess I liked this story more when it was set on the Ark !   
> Anyways, here's the seventh chapter, enjoy !

“How are you here ?” You ask. “Not that I’m complaining but… I really thought I was meant to die without seeing you.” You definitely do not mind having Lexa with you. When you closed your eyes on the dropship, you saw her. You saw her bright forest green eyes looking at you. You saw that smile that makes your heart melt. You saw her, and regretted every moment you spent trying to hate her.

Lexa smiles warmly at you. “Have you seen that guy, Octavia’s brother ?”

“Bellamy ?”

“Yeah, Bellamy… He helped me. Your mother came to see me in Polaris a week ago, saying that they were sending you to Earth. I panicked, of course I did… She said she was planning on telling you the truth, because she didn’t want you to get here without knowing. I guess she realized being sent down on Earth meant possible death. I knew I had to find a way to get in the dropship… I heard him talking to a friend of his, saying he needed to get in the dropship to find his sister and that he was planning on dressing as a guard to get in the dropship without too much trouble. I talked to him, convinced him to help me get a guard uniform, I guess he saw how important it was… And I got in the dropship with him.”

You look at your girlfriend and realize she’s wearing a uniform. You don’t understand how you didn’t notice before she told you. “You look good in that.”

“I do, don’t I ?” Lexa smirks at you. “I just couldn’t let you… I thought the air wasn’t breathable.”

“You came down here even though you thought we were all going to die ?” You ask her.

“I couldn’t… I begged your mum to try and get you out of the Sky Box. I tried everything I could to keep you in the Ark. When nothing seemed to work I realized my only way was to come here with you.”

“But you thought we were going to die.”

“It didn’t matter. I needed to be with you.”

You wipe away the small tears that are spilling from your eyes. “I love you.”

Lexa smiles at you. “I love you too.”

You realize now you should have never doubted that. Lexa loves you, with all her heart. You can see it clearly now, as you could before you thought she was the reason why your dad was floated. You knew deep down it couldn't be there.

You knew.

 “We need to find a way to get to Mount Weather, because the supplies are there and they dropped us on the wrong mountain.”

“How did that happen ?” She asks you, her eyebrows raised in confusion.

“I’m not sure, but we’re not where we’re supposed to be.” You sigh. “The supplies are across a forest of radiation that could possibly kill us.”

“How do we get there ?”

“We walk.” You explain. “Listen up, guys. They dropped us on the wrong mountain, and we have no food nor water here.”

You speak loudly, with a clear voice, but only a few people listen to you. The others are too engrossed with nature and planet Earth in general.

You realize Earth is amazing, but finding food sounds like a priority. You’ll have your whole lives to look at trees and flowers.

People don’t seem to care about what you have to say.

You let it go, thinking they’ll realise soon enough that no food and no water means dying in about four days.

Of course you don’t expect them to think that haunting and eating plants looks better to them. You realize soon enough they’re too stubborn to listen to you.

Some guy tells you to stop trying to boss them around, they’ve been locked up for too long to listen to you. Lexa looks like she might chop his head off with her bare hands, the guy walks away.

“You keep doing what you’re doing.” She says. “They will listen to you.”

“Why do you think they will ?”

“Because you’re a born leader. They’ll see it soon enough.”

You feel better.

Turns out Lexa was right. The others listen to you as time goes by. You realize soon enough that going to Mount Weather is pointless, because you find out that there are other people on Earth. It’s too dangerous. They know the place, while you’ve just learned how to breathe proper air and how to adjust to the sun.

“Can you believe we got a new chance at being happy ?” Lexa asks you one day.

“I can, I actually can.” You tell her, smiling brightly at her. You’re sitting on the grass, she’s touching a wild flower. “And I’m so glad we did.”

“Yeah.” She sighs contently. “Me too. I honestly thought I was sending myself in a suicide mission. I’m happy it turned out to be the greatest choice I’ve ever made.”

You turn the dropship into your camp, trying to find a way to protect yourselves from the grounders. They’ve attacked you and your companions when you were exploring the place. A spear was thrown at Jasper, the guy who teases you constantly.

You’re pretty sure he died.


	8. This Is The First Day Of My Life

You’ve grown used to sleeping next to Lexa.

One morning though, you wake up and she’s not next to you. You find her on the outside, yelling at Bellamy.

“What is going on ?” You ask.

“Nothing.” They both say.

“Come on, I heard you both screaming.”

“Bellamy wants to send you to talk to the grounders.” Lexa says, anger in her voice. “Well, he wants to come with you.”

“And ?” You ask her.

“It’s too risky. For the both of you.”

A smile appears on Bellamy’s face as he mocks Lexa. “You care about me, Woods ?”

“No, I don’t. But they’re going to kill you both and I won’t let that happen. We didn’t come down here to die, did we ?”

Lexa storms off, leaving both you and Bellamy staring at where she was standing.

“What was that about ?” You ask him.

“She’s protective of you.” He says. “Maybe too much.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

You run to get to where Lexa is and find her sitting by a tree, playing with a flower she found on the ground. You sit down next to her and listen to her breathing.

“The Ark wasn’t as dangerous as Earth is.” She says. “And we were dying there, which should say something.”

“I know.” You tell her, sitting down next to her. “We need to talk to them. Or they’ll kill us all. You saw what they did to Jasper.”

She nods. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

You grab her hand to hold and smile at her. “I reckon you won’t like a lot of stuff here on Earth.”

“I can’t risk you.” She whispers.

You kiss her hand softly, looking at her in the eyes. “I don’t have to do it today.”

She looks at you for longer than usual. “Thank you.”

You feel a weird vibe coming from her. “What’s wrong ?”

“I…” You see her hesitate and squeeze her hand. “I kind of just got you back after almost a year of you hating me, I really don’t want to lose you again.”

You smile at her. “I know. Let’s forget about it for a while, alright ? We’re about to start a new life here on Earth. While coming down here I thought this could end in two possible ways. We could die during landing or upon breathing out here… Or everything would have been perfect in this world that was always meant to be ours. Now, reality is a bit different. We most certainly did not expect people to be alive down here… But they are, and we need to find a way to lead our separate lives without causing too much trouble.

I want us to be happy and safe. All of us.”

“We will.” She says and you suddenly feel better. You feel like you’re supposed to be strong at all times, but your new life on Earth seems like it’s going to be much harder than expected. “We had so many problems back on the Ark and I wish we could just breathe for one second without having to worry about our lives.”

You look at her for a second. The hand you’re holding is trembling slightly, she looks older than she actually is and exhausted. Her complexion looks paler than usual and her hair messier than how you remembered it.

“Tonight.” You say, and she looks confused. “Tonight we’ll breathe, without having to worry about our people.”

“What are you talking about ?”

“Tonight it’s only you and me. We’ll go somewhere and it’ll be like our nights at the giant window.”

She smiles widely at you and gets up. “Let’s go. We’ll look at the stars from a different point of view.”

And you do.

You spend ours laying on the ground, feeling the moisture of the grass on your skin, gently caressing Lexa’s bare arms with your fingers. The stars look different from the Earth, you used to be among them and now you’re under them. Which feels stupid, you know you’re still among them.

You remember those nights at the giant window.

The first night there with Lexa. How she scared you and changed your life at the same time.

The night when she kissed you, and you felt fireworks exploding in your chest.

The night you found her there after your first, real fight. She told you she loved you that night.

You then think about all those nights locked up in solitary confinement. You were trying to convince yourself to hate the person who’s now laying next to you, staring at the night sky.

You realize that having her by your side once again makes you feel stronger. It gives you purpose. You felt lost back in the Sky Box. As if nothing really mattered. As if your father’s death had, somehow, killed you as well.

You see her closing her eyes.

“Lexa ?” You whisper.

She hums, her eyes still closed.

“It might sound stupid, but this is the first day of my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.  
> I never thought I'd actually get to the end of this story.   
> I'm happy I did, though. Hope you guys enjoyed it !


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